I named my dog 'Five Miles' so I can tell people I walk 'Five Miles' every day.

I entered ten puns into a contest to see which one would win - no pun in ten did.

I used to play piano in a drug store, but everyone kept asking for their prescriptions back.

I told my wife she should get in touch with her feminine side - she hugged me.

I asked my boss if I could have a day off - he said, 'Sure, today.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she gave me a bear hug.

I'm writing a book on alternative facts, it's all true.

I'm attempting to learn how to juggle, but I'm only getting two throws right now.

I'm trying to start a band called 1023MB, but we haven't gotten a gig yet.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it keeps sending me vacation ads.

I told my wife she should do toe exercises - that's a big step forward.

Why did the teenager bring a ladder to the bar? Because the drinks were on the house.

What do you call a fish wearing a crown? Shellfish.

What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!

I’m reading a book on reverse psychology - do NOT read it!

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

Why did the teenager bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.

I'm friends with all the planets, but I have a special bond with Neptune.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes of genius.

I told my plants a joke, but they didn't find it very a-peeling.