I don't need a gym membership, I have stairs at home I never use.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to use the self-checkout on the first try.

I don't need a personal trainer, I have Google for workout tips.

I don't need a daily planner, I have anxiety to remind me of everything I need to do.

I'm not a people person, but I am a dog person. Dogs don't talk.

People say laughter is the best medicine, but they've obviously never tried chocolate.

I don't need a therapist, I have a cat. It listens and judges silently.

I don't like being told what to do, unless it's my bed telling me to sleep.

I'm not saying I'm a control freak, but I have strong opinions on how the dishwasher should be loaded.

Why make life complicated when you can just nap instead?

I don't believe in luck, I believe in naps.

I don't need caffeine to wake up in the morning, I have existential dread for that.

I don't need a fancy car to impress people, I have a library card.

I don't have a sweet tooth, I have sweet teeth. All thirty-two of them.

I love when people point out my flaws. It's like having a personal cheerleader for my insecurities.

Nothing says 'I've got my life together' like mismatched socks.

The best part about my job? The constant fear of being replaced by a robot.

Why make things simple when you can complicate them beyond belief?

I'm like a fine wine: I get better with age and give people terrible headaches.

Saying 'I told you so' is my cardio.

Life is like a box of chocolates: expensive and full of empty calories.