I'm friends with a mathematician who won't give up - he's really persistent.

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

I'm friends with a baker who always has the perfect loaf - he's on a roll.

I asked my dad if we could turn the TV volume up. He said, 'We'll see.'

When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

I have a split personality, said Tom, being Frank.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I used to be a baker, but my business went stale.

I used to be a train driver, but I got sidetracked.

I used to play the triangle in a band, but I quit because it was just one ting after another.

I tried living life according to the 10 Commandments - it's not working, I think I need a new strategy.

Why did the lover bring a ladder to the bar? They heard the drinks were on the house.

I asked for a book on reincarnation, but I've read it before in my past life.

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games - she said, 'Wii.'

I'm reading a book on claustrophobia, it's really taking my breath away.

I tried to write a joke about a leech, but it didn't stick.

I couldn't figure out how to put my smartphone on airplane mode - it kept crashing.

I'm reading a book on the history of the calendar, each chapter is just another day.

I bet the butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, so he told me the steaks were too high.

I asked the gym trainer if he could teach me to do the splits; he said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage; the zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.