Why did the chicken join a cult? It couldn't live with the guilt of crossing the road.

I told my therapist about my kleptomania. He said, 'Take something for it.'

I told my wife she should be more optimistic. She said, 'I'll try, but I doubt it will work.'

Why did the vampire read the newspaper? He heard it had great circulation.

Why did the ghost go to the party? He heard it was a dead man's party.

I've never been able to understand the appeal of skydiving. It's a real letdown.

I asked the doctor for something for my hearing loss. He gave me a DVD.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said, 'No thanks, I already feel like my life is falling apart.'

I asked the gym trainer if he could help me lose weight. He said, 'Just run behind a car, you'll lose plenty.'

When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered at a popular restaurant. That way, I can still clog arteries.

I asked my friend if he knew any good jokes about sodium. He said, 'Na.'

I told my wife she should talk more openly about her feelings. She said, 'I don't think you want to hear what I have to say.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of unknown consequences. She said, 'That's the least of your worries.'

I told my girlfriend she should be more comfortable in her own skin. She tried to unzip mine.

I told my wife she should do more spontaneous things. She booked a trip to Paris without me.

I walked into a bar and ordered a chicken and an egg. The bartender said, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

I brought a ladder to a bar. The bartender said, 'Sorry, we don't serve high spirits here.'

I told my wife she should apologize less. She said, 'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

I told my brother I'm trying to cut down on alcohol. He said, 'You need to wine less.'

Why did the comedian break up with his girlfriend? She couldn't handle his jokes.

Why did the gardener bring a ladder to work? He heard the plants were uprooting themselves.