I'm writing a book about hurricanes. It's a real whirlwind of emotions.

I told my computer to stop singing. Now it's in silent mode.

I'm in a band called The Homonyms. We're all spelled differently.

I used to be a baker, but I always got too wrapped up in the dough.

I'm learning sign language, but it's really handy to know.

I used to be a baker, but my career was toast.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She tried, but she couldn't get her arms around them.

I wanted to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls to try it.

I used to be a baker, but my career crumbled.

I invented a new word: Plagiarism.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know which one comes first.

Why are ghosts bad liars? You can see right through them.

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

I used to be a chef, but I couldn't cut it.

Why are spiders good at web design? Because they know HTML.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

Just remember, you are not useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

You can't trust atoms—they make up everything.

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I'm writing a book on how to get rich quick. It's a pamphlet.