I accidentally swallowed food coloring. I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Parallel lines have so much in common. Too bad they'll never meet.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said 40.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you!"

The problem with kleptomaniacs is they always take things literally.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands like everyone else.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I told my computer I needed a break, now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

My dog can do magic tricks. He’s a labracadabrador.