I'm reading a book about teleportation. I'll tell you all about it yesterday.

I believe in equality. Equal rights for everyone, equal lefts for some.

I'd like to give a big shoutout to sidewalks, for keeping me off the streets.

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

I would like to apologize to anyone I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I'll get to you shortly.

I told my wife she should stop cooking with alcohol. She still drinks the stuff while she's cooking.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

I heard a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I told a chemistry joke, there was no reaction, so I slapped the table and said 'Chemistry!'.

I'm friends with elevators, they always lift me up.

I'm friends with scissors, they always come in handy.

I told a joke about paper, but it's tearable.

I'm friends with balloons, they always lift my spirits.

I told a joke about gardening, but it didn't grow on anyone.

I told a joke about bread, but it was too crumby.

I'm friends with trees, they understand me from the root up.

Why did the math teacher go to the beach? To test the waters.

I told a joke about trains, but it went off the rails.

I'm friends with batteries, they always have positive energy.