I asked the baker if he had any muffins, and he said, 'I'm all bread out.'

I told my wife she should do planks to stay in shape - now she's stuck in the pantry.

I ordered a bed from Ikea, but it came with no instructions - now I'm lost in sleepless assembly.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from the farm, they're having a pecking order dispute.

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there's a shortstop in between.

I asked my girlfriend to lend me a bra, but she refuses to support me.

I used to play guitar by ear, but now I pluck at it.

I finally got my doctor's degree - now I'm just waiting for my patient's degree.

I told my computer I had a joke about an IP address, but it still couldn't locate the humor.

I'm scared of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so now she's seeing another man.

I wanted to be a vegetarian, but I couldn't stomach it.

I broke my finger last week but I'm okay - it was just a little side note.

I'm currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it's impossible to put it down.

I told my wife she should do math problems for fun, but it didn't add up.

I'm friends with 26 letters of the alphabet, I don't know z.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay in shape, now she's standing.

I told my computer to stop singing, now it won't stop auto-tuning.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, now my phone says it needs a water break.

I'm friends with 24 letters of the alphabet, I'm not an X yet.

I'm friends with a mathematician, they know all the angles.