When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

I used to be a baker, but I was always kneading the dough.

I hate when people use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I'm friends with a mathematician and a psychologist. They're both divided on whether I need therapy or algebra.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring last night. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda, but it was a soft drink.

I want to build a jokes-themed hotel called the Pun Inn.

I finally got around to watching the geopolitical thriller but the subject was too global for me.

I'm trying to organize a space-themed party, the hardest part is planning Uranus.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

I'm reading a book on teleportation, it's a real page-turner.

I asked my French friend if she plays video games, she said, 'Wii.'

I told my wife she should do burpees to stay in shape - she hasn't spoken to me since.

I told my computer to stop singing, but it just kept auto-tuning.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon - they're playing chicken on the delivery.

I tried to take a selfie with my printer, but it refused to scan.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape - now she's under the couch.

I asked the barber if he could cut my hair shorter - he said, 'I can't make it longer.'

I told my wife she should do push-ups to stay in shape - now she won't come back up.

I ordered a pizza with pineapple, and the delivery guy said 'pineapple doesn't belong on pizza.' I said, 'neither do you.'

I tried to make a candle out of beer, but it just wouldn't light.