I told my wife she should learn to embrace her mistakes. Then she pushed me down the stairs.

Why was the artist afraid to reveal his latest masterpiece? Because it was a grave mistake.

What's the best way to get rid of a headache? Decapitation.

Why did the pencil go to prison? It was involved in a draw.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

I used to be a baker until I lost my loaf.

I asked the fortune teller to predict my future. She handed me a shovel and told me to start digging.

I told my wife she should learn to lean into her mistakes. She fell over.

What's the difference between a dentist and a sadist? Newer magazines.

I asked the doctor if he could recommend something for my obsession with pointing out other people's mistakes. He said, 'The mirror.'

My girlfriend said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car and ignored the problem.

I asked the doctor to help me stop my addiction to chocolate. He said, 'No problem, just take the wrapper off.'

I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live in a world where people don't find my jokes funny.

My friend told me he's addicted to brake fluid. I said he can stop anytime.

I told my wife she should embrace her dark side. She turned off the lights.

Why did the pencil go to the party? It heard it was going to be a graphite time.

Why do elephants not use computers? They're afraid of the mouse.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner child. She threw a tantrum.

I told my psychiatrist I had a fear of the dark. He turned off the lights and left the room.

I asked the doctor to give me something for my wind problem. He gave me a kite.

I thought about getting a job at the graveyard, but the interview process was too dead.