I saw the man who stole my Microsoft Office. You have my Word; I'll Excel; you should see the Excel.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

I'm not saying my ex is ugly... but if I threw a stick, she'd chase it forever.

I've never understood whiteboards. It's remarkable how they're so good at being such perfectionists.

I have a joke about architecture, but I'm still working on the foundation.

I'm starting a petition to make 'hindsight' an official unit of measurement. It's always 20-20.

I told my wife she should try parallel parking. She could use the practice; our relationship is on the rocks.

I tried to feed some food coloring to my pet chameleon. Now he's invisible and feeling blue.

I asked my dog if he wanted to go for a walk. He growled, so I guess we won't be in-tails this time.

I told my therapist my dark humor jokes. He said we needed to work on my coping mechanisms.

I went to a fancy Italian restaurant that served Al dente pasta. Unfortunately, it was cooked too soon and it hit me.

I joined a cult of chefs who only cook with herbs. It's a seasoning of belief.

I entered a pun competition with a flashlight. I was delighted to see that I made a very bright joke.

I accidentally left my phone on airplane mode. It flew away.

I'm reading a book on the psychology of humor. It's quite a joke.

I told my friend I'm a kleptomaniac, but he just laughed. It wasn't my joke.

I asked the doctor to put me on a seafood diet. He gave me a list of places to order a fish fry.

I told my son to stop playing in the street. He got run over by a parked car.

I've started a band called 1023MB. We haven't gotten a gig yet.

The orange rolled towards the edge of the table. It was on a slow downhill spiral.

I told my wife she should stop drawing her eyebrows so high. She looked surprised.