Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

I lost my job as a chef because I kept getting fired.

Why was the belt feeling lazy? It couldn't buckle down and get to work.

Why did the pencil go to therapy? It had too many sharp feelings.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I opened a restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

I tried to take a selfie while I was falling down a flight of stairs. It's the ultimate stair-roid shot.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, and I took her cardboard box.

I told my wife we should watch 'The Exorcist' in reverse. I just wanted to see the devil come out of the priest.

My girlfriend told me, 'You’re a spider. You're amazing at spinning things.' I’m flattered.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... but she outran me.

I was having a bad day, but then I came across a mirror maze. Now I'm having an even worse day.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. So I decided to stand my ground.

I tried to start a bakery, but it crumbled.

I called the animal shelter to see if they had any killer whales. They said they're to die for.

I used to be a psychic. I'd tell people their future for a small fee. They never saw it coming.

I asked my ex-girlfriend for closure. She responded, 'You're closed for business.'

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with anti-aging cream. I'm devastated; I can't even look at myself.

I invited my friends over for a game of Russian Roulette. They didn't show up, but it's just as well; I'm having a blast.

I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination... according to that indecent exposure charge.