I always knew my grandfather was a serial killer. He had a thing for Corn Flakes.

I asked the Grim Reaper for a day off. He said, 'You've got the rest of your life off.'

I told my wife she should try eating light bulbs. She's really struggling to see things from a new perspective.

I heard there's a new disease that spreads through social media. It's called chronic attention seeking disorder.

I used to work at a funeral home but I couldn't handle the turnover rate.

I told my sister she should find a hobby. She decided to go grave robbing.

I heard that people are dying to get into the cemetery business. It's a killer industry.

I asked my doctor to give me something for my paranoia. He said, 'They're watching you.'

I found out my dentist was embezzling money. I guess he needed to fill a different kind of cavity.

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He said from now on, I can only schedule appointments on the second floor.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was just too clingy.

I used to be a candlemaker, but I couldn't handle the heat.

I asked my barber for a new hairstyle. He told me to cut it out.

I told my friend I couldn't breathe underwater. He told me I was out of my depth.

Why don't zombies play hide and seek? Good players are hard to find.

I told my therapist about my fear of giants. She told me it's a huge issue.

I would tell you a joke about the cemetery, but it's too dead.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones - they have 206.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurologist? He was outstanding at using his brain.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm feeling pretty transparent about it.

Why did the horse break up with the jockey? It wanted more freedom in the relationship.