I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost the case.

I hate it when people say age is just a number. Age is clearly a word.

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he had no body to go with him.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistake... now she has a son.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would make her more appealing.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. I told her it would kill the mood.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

I like to spend my Sundays reflecting... off all the mirrors in my house.

Do you know what the movie 'Frozen' and my bank account have in common? They're both about to go into the red.

I asked the doctor if he had anything for my epilepsy. He said, 'Just shake it off.'

I'm reading a book on the history of glue. It's bound to stick with me.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. That's why she's hugging my ex-boyfriend.

Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? People are dying to get in.

I have a joke about death, but I'm afraid it won't kill.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.