I told my wife she should fold the laundry more quietly. She laughed, so I laughed. That's how the fight started.

I told my wife to stop singing 'I'm a Believer' by The Monkees because it reminded me of her mother.

I asked the ghost if it wanted a candy. It said, 'No thanks, I'm already dead inside.'

I tried to imagine a world without hypothetical situations. It was inconceivable.

I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He looked at me and said, 'You.'

Why did the scarecrow become a successful therapist? He was outstanding at helping people face their fears.

I used to play piano in a brothel. Turns out, there was no money in it.

Why did the burglar take a nap? He wanted to steal some Z's.

I told my dentist I have sensitive teeth. He told me to grow a thicker skin.

Why did the Scarecrow win an award? Because he was malfunctioning.

Why don't old librarians play hide and seek anymore? Good luck hiding when their hearing aids are on full blast.

Do you know why Pluto isn't a planet anymore? It was tired of being Pluto-nium.

I told my boss I needed a break, so he gave me three years in prison.

I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof when it started releasing bubbles. Now my ghost is haunting me from the bathtub.

I told my wife she should try skydiving. She said she's already taken a dive in our relationship.

Why did the ice cream truck break down? It had a rocky road.

Why did the psychic break up with her ghost boyfriend? He wasn't giving her enough space.

I asked my wife what she did before she met me. Apparently, she dated living men.

Why was the math book so sad? It knew its days were numbered.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too competitive. I joked that I would win her back, but she said I didn't stand a chance.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because it was the last thing it had to straw it with.