My daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean the house.

I asked my grandma how she's feeling. She said 'in cursive'.

I tried to come up with a suicide joke, but it's too depressing.

I took up meditation to relax, but it's murder on my thighs.

I told my wife she shouldn't worry about me cheating. I'm way too lazy to cheat.

I like my coffee like I like my nights: dark, endless, and filled with regret.

I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He told me I have the best method acting he's ever seen.

I tried to explain what a pun is to a kleptomaniac, but he just took it literally.

I'm not a bad person, I just have a twisted sense of humor. Like, for example, my favorite color is black. Like my soul.

I asked my doctor to test my blood type. Turns out it's B-negative, just like my outlook on life.

I invited my friends over for a murder mystery party, but they all canceled last minute. So I had to solve the murder by myself.

My girlfriend wanted me to surprise her with something long and hard for our anniversary. So I showed her a picture of a strip of bacon.

I told my dentist I was afraid of the dentist. He told me to stop being a baby and handed me a lollipop.

I saw a man at the park feeding birds from his hand. I guess you could say he had a lot on his plate.

Why was the witch bad at relationships? She kept putting spells on her partners.

Why did the zombie hit the gym? To work on his deadlifts.

Why couldn't the skeleton play piano? He had no organs to go with the keys.

Why did the vampire become a doctor? He wanted to help people get 'a stake' on their health.

Why did the ghost win the dance competition? He had a lot of soul.

What's a vampire's preferred airline? Spirit Airlines.

Why did the ghost start a band? He heard they were popular in the underworld.