Why did the tomato go to the disco? It wanted to ketchup with the latest dance moves.

I tried to take a selfie in the shower, but I got washed out.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was a no-brainer.

I told my wife she should try balancing on a tightrope. She said, 'I'm already walking on thin ice with you.'

I went to a zoo where the only animal was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

I like my alcohol like I like my violence. Domestic.

I told my wife she shouldn't be afraid of spiders. She said, 'That's easy for you to say, you're not the one having to see them crawl out of your mouth every night.'

I have a fear of elevators. It's taking me to a whole new level of anxiety.

I heard that eating clocks is very time consuming. But it's a great way to pass the time.

My friend drowned in an ocean of orange soda. He's now a Fanta sea.

I told my therapist that I have suicidal thoughts. She said, 'Well, from what I can see, you're not the only one.'

I hate how funerals are always at 9am. I'm not really a mourning person.

I told my wife she should learn to juggle to relieve stress. Life's a balancing act after all.

I told my therapist about my obsession with curtains. He said it's all about window dressing.

My new diet is so easy, I just close my eyes and eat whatever the voices in my head tell me to.

I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; there are plenty of holes and it stinks.

I took up meditation to manage my stress, but it's just not working. Now I'm just stressed out and enlightened.

I told my wife she should listen to me more. She replied, 'I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.'

I told my wife she should stop shopping for kitchen utensils. It's a whisk she's willing to take.

My wife accused me of hating her relatives. I said, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.'