Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the spiral of despair that is its existence.

I tried to make a deal with the devil. He said, 'Sorry, I'm only interested in soul food.'

I asked the undertaker if he could help me bury my secrets. He said, 'I'm buried in my own, kid.'

I told my doctor my stomach hurt when I laughed. He said, 'Don't worry, it's just gallows humor.'

Why did the burglar rob the bakery? He heard they had a lot of dough.

Why did the chef get kicked out of the kitchen? He kept beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

Why did the vampire get hired as a bartender? He had a lot of experience with Bloody Marys.

I went to a beekeeper for relationship advice. He said the key is to bee yourself.

I asked the geologist if he was happy with his job. He said it rocks.

I told my wife she should 'calm down'... Now I'm singing 'Let It Go' dressed as a snowman.

What's the worst part about being a necrophiliac? The smell.

I asked the gym trainer how long it takes to see results. He said, 'You'll see them eventually.'

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up. It's not always a sleeping beauty situation.

I used to have a fear of hurdles. Then I got over it. It really raised the bar in my life.

Why did the robot go on a diet? It had a byte problem. And a weight issue.

Why did the mathematician break up with his imaginary girlfriend? She was too complex for him.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants. And for being a fashion crime.

I'm planning a zombie-themed party, it's going to be a real thriller.

I told my wife she should do some stand-up comedy. She didn't stand up, but started cracking up.

I told my wife she should open a bakery, she said she kneaded more dough.

I used to be a baker, now I'm a banker. I know how to make some serious dough.