I heard there was a sale at the funeral home. Everything must go!

I asked my wife if I should be worried about my newfound obsession with murder documentaries. She said as long as I kept it fictional, we were good.

I saw a skeleton behind the wheel of a car. He was dying to drive.

I told my ex I wanted to bury the hatchet. She said she'd rather bury me next to it.

I asked the ghost if I could borrow some money. He said he couldn't make any withdrawals from the blood bank.

I asked my therapist if I had any problems with committing to a long-term relationship. She said she couldn't make that kind of commitment either.

I brought my girlfriend flowers after going to the cemetery. She said she appreciated my grave gestures.

I heard someone at the funeral home drop a casket. It was a real dead giveaway.

I asked my wife if she wanted to play 50 Shades of Grey. She said she'd rather play 50 Shades of Decapitation.

I asked the medium if she could contact my dead relatives. She said she was getting a bad reception.

I told my wife I was going to surprise her with breakfast in bed. She didn't appreciate waking up in a coffin.

I tried to make a deal with the devil. He told me my soul wasn't worth the paperwork.

I heard the morgue was having a sale on body bags. Talk about a killer deal.

I heard grave robbers were stealing bodies. Talk about a dead-end job.

I asked the vampire to go out for a bite. He said he was on a strict liquid diet.

I told my psychiatrist I was having a hard time coping with my fear of heights. He told me to get over it or the sessions would cost an arm and a leg.

I asked the zombie why he was on a diet. He said he was watching his body fats.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried with my money. She said I can't take it with me. I said, 'That's what they make graves for.'

I heard Dracula is retiring. He's going to be a pain in the neck to replace.

I asked the grim reaper to play hide and seek. He never found me, but someone else did.

I saw a sign at the cemetery that said 'Reserved for future use'. I guess they're dying to fill those spots.