I went to the doctor for my fear of elevators. He told me to take steps to avoid them.

I told my wife she should do her own taxes. She said, 'That's taxing.'

I told my wife she should do push-ups. She said, 'No thanks, I'm already pushing my luck.'

I asked the skeleton if he wanted to grab a beer. He said he didn't have the stomach for it.

I told my wife she should try pole dancing. She said, 'I already do. I'm a professional at the North Pole.'

Why was the belt locked up? For holding up a pair of pants in a no-fly zone.

I told my wife she should try yoga. She said, 'Namaste in bed.'

I told my wife she should try meditation. She said, 'I can't sit in silence. It's too loud.'

I started a new job as a tailor, but couldn't make ends meet.

My grandpa said, 'Your generation relies too much on technology!' I replied, 'No, your generation relies too much on technology!' Then I unplugged his life support.

I asked my barber if he cuts hair by hand. He said, 'No, I use scissors.'

I asked the clown if he could juggle his problems. He said, 'I'm already juggling dead inside.'

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the morgue? He wanted to work his way up in the food chain.

Why did the gardener break up with his girlfriend? She kept telling him to leaf her alone.

I asked the waiter if the chicken was farm-raised. He said, 'No, it was battery raised.'

I asked the chef if I could take some leftovers home. He said, 'Sure, here's a doggy bag.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She tasted like someone else.

I told my wife she should learn to trust me. She said, 'I don't even trust my judgment in marrying you.'

Why did the vampire get a cat? He wanted to teach it how to undead.

I asked my therapist if I had multiple personalities. He said, 'No, you're just unbearable.'

I asked my doctor if I should start smoking. He said, 'Nah, smoking kills. But so does life, slowly.'