I told my wife she should try Zumba for a fun workout. She said I should try taking out the trash.

I went to a psychic and asked about my future. She said, 'You don't have one.'

I invited my ex to a vegan dinner. Turns out she wasn't the only thing getting roasted.

I found a bra in my girlfriend's car. She claimed it was a seatbelt for her boobs.

My doctor told me I have a rare disease that makes me want to sing '80s pop songs. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I asked the psychic if I will ever win the lottery. She said, 'No, but you already know that.'

I told my wife she should try cooking classes. She said I should try stand-up comedy.

I walked in on my grandparents playing Scrabble that consisted of only curse words. It was a real triple word score.

My boss asked me to give a presentation on 'how to overcome failure.' I didn't show up.

I signed up for a CPR class but ended up breaking more ribs than saving lives.

I told my wife she should join a workout group for motivation. She said I should join a support group for husbands.

I accidentally texted my boss 'I love you' instead of my girlfriend. He replied, 'I love you too, get back to work.'

I am terrified of elevators, but I am taking steps to avoid them.

I cooked a kid's meal, but the kid didn't approve – they found it tasteless.

Why do cemetery fences have barbed wire? Because people are dying to get in.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I always left the toilet seat up. I said, 'Do you need a life jacket for that flood of emotions?'

I told my wife she should become a professional baker. She said, 'I knead to think about it.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride. She said, 'No thanks, I'm already full of hot air.'

My wife told me to go to hell. I replied, 'I'll need a map, I keep getting lost.'

I asked my wife if she wanted to join me on a trip to space. She said, 'No thanks, I need some space.'

I told my wife she should write an autobiography. She said, 'That's just chapter one.'