I asked the doctor if he could help me with my kleptomania. He said, 'Take this medication and don't steal anything.'

I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She almost suffocated me with a pillow.

I entered ten puns in a joke contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.

Why was the math book always sad? Because it had too many 'problems' to solve.

Why did the vampire open a blood bank? He thought it would be a good way to make a killing.

I called the paranoia helpline, but was too scared to talk on the phone.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage, but they said my case didn't carry much weight.

I told my friend a joke about amnesia, but he couldn't remember it.

Why did the mathematician break up with his girlfriend? She was too square for his circle of friends.

I told my boss I was feeling suicidal. He told me to quit while I was ahead.

I got into an argument with a mime about the invisible tightrope he was walking. Ended up being a no-win situation.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? He couldn't handle her transparent issues.

My mom told me to stop signing 'I'm a Nut' every time I walk into a party. She doesn't get my pecan sense of humor.

I finally quit my job as a personal trainer. Turns out I couldn't handle the weight of other people's problems.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the barbeque? Because it had no muscles to bring.

I thought being a taxidermist would be a great job, but it really left me feeling stuffed.

I told my wife she should stop joking about winter storms. Now her cold shoulder is literal.

I asked my doctor for some painkillers, but he just gave me a prescription for my life.

Why did the chicken join a band? It wanted to lay down some sick beak-drops.

My ex-girlfriend told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.