I tried to make a candle out of human fat. The smell was unbearable. I guess you could say it was a burning issue.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its own right... but also because it had a lot of straw polls.

I told my wife she should embrace her dark sense of humor. She said, 'I prefer to keep it in the shadows.'

I tried to make a dark humor joke about my dead grandma at the funeral. But the priest beat me to it.

I told my wife she should try pole dancing for fitness. She said I should try fixing the pole in our basement.

I thought about starting a murder mystery book club. But it was killing me trying to come up with the first chapter.

I told my wife she should try jogging for better health. She told me to jog off a cliff.

I asked my therapist for advice on how to cope with my wife leaving me. She said, 'Pay me more.'

I suggested to my wife that we try role-playing in bed. She said, 'Okay, you can be the door and I'll slam you.'

I asked my wife if I could have a threesome. She said, 'Sure, you, yourself, and your hand.'

I tried to donate my body to science, but they said they only accept healthy specimens. So I sold my soul instead.

I told my wife she should take up boxing as a stress reliever. She said, 'I prefer a knockout divorce.'

I tried to donate blood, but they said mine was mostly whiskey. They called it a Bloody Mary.

I told my wife she should try stand-up comedy to boost her confidence. She said I should try healthy eating.

I asked my doctor for Viagra. He prescribed me antidepressants instead. Now I stand up to life.

I told my wife she should take up meditation for inner peace. She said she'd rather have a peace of cake.

I caught my best friend sleeping with my girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the betrayal or the fact that he's imaginary.

I asked the devil for a lighter. He said, 'Sorry, I can't. It's hell for my asthma.'

I tried to make a joke about suicide, but it never landed. Just like the jumpers.

I told my wife she should try karaoke to conquer her stage fright. She said I should try finding her G-spot.

I found my girlfriend cutting herself to Taylor Swift songs. I guess she really is never ever getting back together.