My wife asked me why I carry a knife. I said, 'In case I need to spread butter quickly.'

I called my wife to tell her I'll be late for dinner. She said, 'How late?' I said, 'About a week.'

I told my wife I'm going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She said, 'That's impastable.'

I told my wife she should do more squats. She said, 'I can't, my knees are shot.' I said, 'That's ok, they were never good with guns anyway.'

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to hang out with.

I told my wife I'm going to start a garden. She said, 'That's a plant idea.'

I asked my wife what superpower she would want. She said 'Invisibility.' I said, 'Ok, I'll see you later.'

I asked my doctor if he could recommend a good diet. He said, 'Just be yourself.'

I told my therapist that I'm having dark thoughts. She asked if I could shed some light on them.

I found a cure for my insomnia. I just sleep during the day to avoid night terrors.

I told my wife she should try helicopter lessons. She said, 'I don't think I'll take off.'

I asked the doctor to check my cholesterol. He told me, 'You're above average.'

I told my wife I want to be cremated when I die. She said, 'I guess I could finally warm up to you.'

I told my wife she should trade her makeup for some sunblock. She replied, 'Why, to look hotter?'

I was fired from the calendar factory. They said I took too many days off.

My wife said I need to be more spontaneous. So I bought a cemetery plot without telling her.

I told my girlfriend she should try skydiving. She said, 'What if I fall for you instead?'

I told my girlfriend she should try skydiving. She said, 'I don't see the appeal, I heard it's a real hit or miss.'

My wife told me I have the body of a god. She then added, 'Buddha.'

I was so proud of my son when he told me he wanted to be a doctor. Until he added, 'A phlebotomist.'

I asked the skeleton if he wanted to grab lunch. He said, 'Thanks, but I'm already stuffed.'