I used to be a tailor, but I couldn't seem to thread the needle. So I stitched to my day job.

I always feel like I'm flying when I drink espresso. Probably because my heart rate is taking off with it.

I told my wife she should spice things up in our marriage. So she got the salt and pepper shakers.

I told my wife she should be more open-minded. Now she won't stop talking about her ideas.

Why did the burglar hang his hat in the courtroom? He wanted to take a plea.

I walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'What'll it be?' I said, 'Mind your own business.'

I told my wife she should do some gardening to relax. She buried me in the backyard.

Why did the clown go to therapy? He had a serious problem with jokes.

I told my wife she should be more adventurous in bed. So she bought a bed and breakfast.

I heard that oxygen and magnesium went on a date. OMg!

I told my computer I needed a break. It told me it couldn't give me that password.

I asked a librarian if I could take some books home. She said, 'Which ones?' I said, 'You pick.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She said she didn't need to, she was already married to me.

I told my therapist about my trust issues. He said he had a secret, too.

I refused to believe that my chiropractor was a real doctor. But he really grew on me.

I'm not a fan of cemetery puns, they tend to be grave.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't meat his expectations.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably crap.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they prefer the darkness.

I told my wife I wanted to be buried with all my jokes. She said, 'That's fine, I'm sure hell will appreciate the humor.'

Why did the mummy get a job at the library? To wrap up its career in books.