I just got a job cleaning mirrors, it's something I can really see myself doing.

I'm friends with a vegetarian, they have such good stalk.

I would tell you a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a big hug.

I tried to catch some fog yesterday, but I mist.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.

Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful therapist? He was outstanding in his field.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted!

I'm reading a book on the history of escalators. It's taking me to another level!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish!