I changed my password to 'incorrect.' So whenever I forget it, my computer reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'

I was in a job interview when the manager handed me his laptop and said, 'I want you to try to sell this to me.' So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually, he called me and said, 'Bring my laptop back!' I said, '$200 and it's yours.'

I was at an ATM and an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I'm reading a book on the history of clocks. It's about time.

I didn't like my beard at first... Then it grew on me.

A book just fell on my head... I only have myself to blame.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you.

I've decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... Well, it was just collecting dust.

I've been taking carpentry classes recently. They're really nailing it.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a good reaction.

The first rule of Passive-Aggressive Club is... You know what? Never mind, it's fine.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. Will let you know.

I know a lot about cars – I can't stop talking about them.

I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.

I've decided to sell my vacuum—it's just gathering dust.

I have a joke about chemistry, but it's too basic.

I put my cat in the dryer to make him fluffy, but he just became a lint trap.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience.

I'm friends with all the organs in my body. We're a tight-knit group.

I'm friends with all the letters of the alphabet, but I think 'U' is a little shady.

I would tell you a joke about potatoes, but it's too mashy.