What's a mountain's favorite type of math? Alp-gebra.

What do you call candy that sings? A jolly rancher.

Why did the king draw straight lines? He was the ruler.

Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they are always stuffed.

Why did the man sit on the clock? He wanted to be on time.

Why was it called the Dark Ages? Because of all the knights.

Why are spiders great web developers? They have great bug fixes.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I'm writing a book about hurricanes, it's going to blow everyone away.

I used to be a personal trainer, but then I lost my clients.

I'm trying to become a professional fisherman, but I'm only doing it for the halibut.

I'm friends with a mathematician, he's always counting on me.

I'm writing a song about tortillas, actually, it's more of a rap.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

I found a dryer sheet at the bottom of my laundry basket. It was a little out of bounce.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay fit. She laughed and said that's where she draws the line.

I'm friends with a baker, she's in a lot of dough.

I used to be a gardener, but I couldn't find the right compostion.

I told my computer it had a virus. It's still coughing.

I'm friends with a musician who makes instruments out of pasta. He's a real spaghetti-artist.