I thought about starting a restaurant for chickens, but couldn't come up with a good name.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She told me to hug it out myself.

I think my vacuum is on a diet. It's losing a lot of suction.

I tried to write a joke about paper, but it was tearable.

I thought about opening a bakery that only sells donuts, but I couldn't make the doughnuts stick.

I'm friends with all the letters of the alphabet, but I keep forgetting some vowels.

I used to play piano professionally, but every time I got paid, it was just a note.

I'm currently reading a book on reverse psychology. Don't bother picking it up.

I told my wife she should address her sleepwalking. She told me to go sleep on the couch!

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

A man tried to sell me a coffin. I said, 'That's the last thing I need!'

I wanted to buy a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

I told my wife she should do math every day - now she's counting on me.

Why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don't have chairs.

I told my wife she should do yoga, now she's bending over backwards for me.

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he always got lost at 'C'.

I'm friends with a microwave, we have a heated relationship.

I told my wife she should do stand-up comedy, she laughed her socks off.

I told my wife she should wear glasses while feeding the baby - that's just sound advice.

Why did the golfer carry two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

I'm friends with a chemist who loves to tell jokes about helium - he never disappoints.