I'm writing a book on hurricanes. It's a breeze.

What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.

I'm friends with a pencil. It's sharp, but sometimes it gets the point.

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a bit. They're usually around 90 degrees.

Money talks, but all mine ever says is 'Goodbye.'

I never make mistakes—I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

I told my computer I needed a break—now it won't stop giving me 'coffee' errors.

I asked the gym instructor what machine I should use to impress the women – they said the ATM.

I told my computer a joke, and it laughed, but it was just a byte.

I bought a belt with a watch on it. It was a waist of time.

I've been trying to come up with a pun about water, but it's just too dam hard.

I think my dentist is in a band. Every time he fills a cavity, he hums a filling tune.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me the cold shoulder instead.

I won a lifetime supply of shampoo. It's definitely a weight off my shoulders.

I'm friends with all the letters of the alphabet, but some consonants are silent.

I think my dog is a magician. Every time I leave a treat, it disappears.

I tried to make a belt out of clocks, but it was a waist of time.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles. They said they'd have to shellebrate.

I tried to write a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a construction joke. He said he couldn't build up to it.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.