I told my wife she should do more cardio. She's been running away from me ever since.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants. Good luck making someone happy on your own, I said.

I asked my friend why he carries a knife everywhere. He said, 'You never know when you might come across someone who needs a stabbing.'

I used to be a psychic medium, but I didn't see that career going anywhere.

I told my wife she should do more squats. She said, 'I squat every time I sit down.'

I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I hate it when I get turned down for a job because my references are all from The Walking Dead.

I told my wife she should've been a comedian. She laughed.

I told my wife she was shouting at me for no reason. She said, 'I'm not shouting.'

What did the big flower say to the little flower? You're looking pretty 'petal' today!

I asked the doctor if my brain was functioning properly. He replied, 'It's far from being lab tested.'

I told my wife she should embrace her anxiety. She said, 'I would, but I'm too worried to try.'

I tried to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

I asked my wife if she ever had second thoughts about marrying me. She replied, 'Yes, but I was busy dealing with my first thoughts.'

I told my wife she should embrace her love handles. She replied, 'I tried, but they just keep expanding.'

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired of standing upright.

I asked my wife why she couldn't parallel park properly. She said, 'It's like my parking skills, they just don't align.'

I told my son he should embrace his dreams. He replied, 'Does that mean I can marry a unicorn?'

Why did the ghost go to rehab? It had an addiction to boo'ze.

I tried to come up with a joke about time travel, but it's about time you heard it.

I asked my wife if she ever had an electric shock. She replied, 'Every time I hear you sing.'