I asked the Grim Reaper for a pencil and paper. He said, 'Why?' I replied, 'So I can list you as my next of kin.'

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done.

I asked the murderer what time it was. He said, 'Two past a knife.'

I told my wife I have a split personality. She said, 'Tell me something I don't already know.'

Why did the baby cookie cry? Because it was a wafer too long.

I asked the psychopath how he stays so calm. He said, 'Oh, I just take things one victim at a time.'

I asked the doctor if he could give me something for my persistent memory loss. He replied, 'Sure, how about a goldfish?'

I told my wife she should be thankful we don't live in the Stone Age. She asked me what I meant, and I said, 'Because you'd be the first one stoned.'

I told my therapist I had a fear of the unknown. He said, 'What happened?'

I asked the psychic if she could see my future. She looked into her crystal ball and said, 'It's not looking good.'

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it's appropriate. It's only for iridium viewers.

I like my coffee like I like my warships - grounded.

I told my wife she should loosen up. She asked me how, so I untied her.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund? He wanted to get a little 'wiener doggy'

I finally got over my addiction to soap. I'm clean now.

My wife yelled at me for being too immature. I told her to get out of my blanket fort.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door.

Therapist: What brings you in today? Me: An Uber just passed me without stopping.

I've been caught stealing coffee beans. It was grounds for arrest.

I used to be a baker, but I kneaded the dough too aggressively.

I asked my doctor for some weight loss tips. He told me to cremate myself, it's the only way to burn off those extra pounds.