I told my wife she should do push-ups to stay in shape. I hope she doesn't fall for it.

What do you call a sandwich that likes to play the guitar? A jam session.

Why did the snowman call the fashion designer? He wanted a cool new look.

Why did Johnny have to go to the principal's office? Because he was caught kissing the teacher's apple.

What do you call a mouse that can pick locks? A squeak-thief.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

I wasn't initially excited about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Why did the electron bring a flashlight to the party? Because it lost its photon.

What do you call a sad coffee? Depresso.

I'm friends with some atoms, but I can't trust them. They make up everything.

You can't run through a campground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Two birds are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Do you smell fish?'

Why don't skeletons fight in battles? They don't have the guts!

What do you call fake cheese? Nacho cheese!

Why did the math teacher break up with her graph paper? She heard he was plotting against her!

How come the bicycle couldn’t stand up by itself? It was two tired!

I used to play triangle in a band, but I couldn't find my instrument.

I don't trust people that do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.

I told the waitress I was hungry. She said, 'I'm sorry, sir, we only serve food here.'

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

I can't tell if my procrastination comes from laziness or premature self-actualization.