I was wondering why the ball looked bigger the closer it got. Then it hit me.

Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

I'm starting a new hobby of collecting belts. It's a waist of time!

I'm friends with weasels. We go pop anytime!

I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

Have you heard about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up! It's okay.

I would tell you a joke about a hole, but it's too deep.

Why are eggs not very funny? Because they crack each other up.

Why did the basketball player go to jail? Because he shot the ball.

When you ask a dad if they're alright, they always reply 'No, I'm half left.'

I was going to tell a joke about a vacuum, but it sucked.

Have you heard of the new restaurant Karma? There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the zoo? They demand a panda-ransom!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

I gave away all my used batteries for free. Free of charge!

What do you call a pencil that can write on its own? A pencil-vania.

Why did the magician take a book to the show? To read his audience!

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement!