Why do dinosaurs never get to school on time? Because they're extinct!

Why did the broccoli go to the party alone? Because it had trust issues!

I'm friends with a lot of vegetarians. They tofu me I'm a good person.

Would you call a fake noodle an impasta or a spaghetty?

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Why did the bird bring a pencil to the party? Because it heard there would be a draw.

When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: No, I got them all cut!

Why does a duck have feathers? To cover their butt quacks!

Did you hear about the math teacher who was so full of himself? He was a polygon.

I'm friends with a retired baker. He's one tough cookie.

What do you call fake chips? Counterfeit.

I'm friends with a door. He's always up for a good knock-knock joke.

I'm friends with some birds. They're my tweethearts.

I'm friends with a pencil. We're just good drawmates.

I'm really good at sleeping. In fact, it's one of my best talents.

My neighbor's having a garage sale and I asked if he had any outdoor extension cords. He said he'll get back to me.

What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi!

What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator!

Why don't skeletons fight each other in battles? They don't have the guts!

What do you call a dentist's x-ray? Tooth pics!