Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.

Do you want a box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? They both weigh the same…a ton.

Why do cows have a great sense of direction? They have good 'moo'ves!

Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they lifted the other one, they'd fall over!

Why can't the flower ride its bike? It lost its pedals!

How did the watermelon propose to the cantaloupe? He popped the question!

Why do clocks seem so shy? They always face their hands!

Why are spiders good at computers? They can log on the web!

What do you call a sleepy vegetable? A snooze-cumber!

Why couldn't the chicken find her egg? She mislaid it!

How do you keep a sculptor busy? Give him a chisel!

What did the penny say to the other penny? Let's get together and make cents!

Why do pirates never go to the movie theater? Because the films are always rated arrr!

Did you hear about the math book that got lost? It had too many problems.

I'm starting to hate elevators, they're always up to something.

I'm friends with most numbers, but 7's racist.

I broke my pencil the other day, now it's pointless.

I'm friends with most numbers, but 3's a crowd.

Did you hear about the dad who invented a new kind of broom? He swept the nation!

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.