I'm friends with most vegetables, but peas always give me the cold shoulder.

I would tell you a time traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

I'm trying to write a joke about unemployment, but unfortunately, I can't figure out how to finish it.

If prisoners could take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?

Why did the baby pepper do a little dance? Because it was jalapeno business!

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape, she shot back with a clever response.

I thought I swallowed a dictionary, but it was just a play on words!

I'm reading a book on how to argue with an idiot, it's a one-page manual!

I'm trying to start a band called 1023 MB, but we haven't got a gig yet!

I had a neck brace made out of horseshoes. It was a long shot but it worked!

I would avoid arresting the Energizer Bunny. He's so good at battery.

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

I tell dad jokes, but he never laughs. Maybe he's already heard them all.

Why couldn't the bike stand on its own? Because it was two-tired.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes daytrogen.

I'm starting a new business making yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? Slip-on peel!

I'm friends with an electrician. He's very current!

I told my wife she should do sit-ups to stay in shape. That would be an abdominal accomplishment!

When you're bored, why don't you ever see clowns at the beach? They're afraid of the seashells.

Why did the bank robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway!