What did the green grape say to the purple grape? 'Breathe, silly!'

Why did the barber win the race? Because he knew all the shortcuts!

What do you get when you cross a fish with a crown? Shellfish!

I'm friends with lots of plumbers because they're just my pipe-lings!

Why did the TV show get thrown out of school? It had too many commercials!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, she gave me a hug...my ribs are still sore from the bear hug!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough...I kneaded more time!

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed...practice makes perfect!

I asked my dad for his best dad joke, and he said 'You'...I guess I'm a chip off the old block!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot...squawking good joke!

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed...now that's talent!

How do you organize a space party? You planet and star-t it up!

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed... and sometimes with my mouth open!

Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded to work on his emotions.

Why did the golf pro bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Did you hear about the ship that ran aground? It was all washed up.

My wife is on a tropical food diet. The house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta, like the kind that you can't penne on!

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They always lift your spirits!

Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

I'm dad-joke level 99. I’m so good, they call me Punitentiary.