Why do scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I've heard the other two are on vacation.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

I told a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a puzzled look.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough bread.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek competition, but good players are really hard to find.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a high five.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

I finally got around to watching that new show about constipation. It's hard to listen to, but it really moves you.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t got a gig yet.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

I told my computer I needed a break and it froze.

I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.

My girlfriend said I should do lunges to get a better butt, but that would be a big step forward.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.