I offered my wife some wine and cheese. Now she's whining and I'm feeling bleu.

Why did the bodybuilder break up with his protein shake? It was too whey-stful.

I told my therapist I have a fear of giants. She asked if I looked up to them.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? He wanted to see her crack.

My girlfriend said she wanted a ring for her birthday. So I gave her a call.

I wanted to be cremated but my doctor insisted on calling it 'being burnt out'.

Why did the dentist break up with the tooth? It was too hard to floss.

I asked my waiter for a joke with my drink. He said, 'My shift ends in 10 minutes.'

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She said she'd scatter my ashes at Home Depot, so I could haunt it forever.

I made a joke about Parkinson's disease at work. It didn't go over well.

Why do skeletons make terrible detectives? They have no guts for investigating.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? He heard they had some dough.

I asked the psychic for a glimpse into my future. She said, 'You don't want to know.'

I told my wife she should try cleaning the house blindfolded. She said she already does, it's called vacuuming.

Why did the ghost go to the party? It wanted to boo-gie.

I accidentally knocked over a bookshelf while cleaning. It's a real page-turner.

I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts. He told me from now on, I have to pay in advance.

I told my boss I have a drinking problem. He told me to keep up the good work.

I told my wife she should join a cult. She said she already did, it's called marriage.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated, but she said, 'I need some space first.'