I hate my job as a masseur. I always rub people the wrong way.

Why was the scarecrow given an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I tried to start a support group for apathy, but nobody showed up.

I asked my wife if she ever has thoughts of leaving me. She said, 'Occasionally, but murder is illegal.'

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—you know, it was just collecting dust.

I told my wife she should embrace her morbid humor. She said, 'I'll laugh when you're dead.'

I'm reading a horror book in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

I told my wife she should try water aerobics. Now she won't talk to me. Looks like I struck a nerve.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants in the bathroom.

Why did the farmer get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.

I asked the doctor if he could give me something to cure my laziness. He said, 'Sure, but it will take a while to kick in.'

My wife told me I should do lunges every day. That's a big step forward for her.

I told my wife she should do more planks. Now she won't talk to me. Looks like I hit a nerve.

My wife told me I should embrace my baldness. So I hugged my head.

I told my wife she should eat more fiber. Now she won't talk to me. Looks like I really pushed her buttons.

I told my therapist I wanted to kill myself. He said I have to make an appointment.

Why did the burglar hang out with the ghosts? He heard they had a haunting good time.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove he had guts.

I told my wife she should try kitchen jokes. Now she can't stand under pressure.

Why did the math teacher break up with the psychologist? He thought their relationship was too irrational.

Why was the baker arrested? He was caught loafing around.