I tried to come up with a carpentry pun, but I nailed it instead.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't handle the bread.

I told my wife she should do stand-up comedy. Now she's rolling on the floor in laughter.

I told my wife she should name her car after me. She said, 'But honey, it's unreliable.'

I told my wife she should get back in the kitchen. She asked me for a step-by-step guide on how to do it.

Why did the thief go to the rooftop? He was raising the stakes of his heists.

I told my wife she should work on her anger management. Now she's dating a volcano.

I asked my doctor for a diagnosis. He said, 'You are terminal, the bill is $500.'

Why did the tree break up with its leaves? They couldn't commit to falling.

I told my wife she should be more creative. Now she's painting my ex as a masterpiece.

Why did the vampire join AA? He was tired of being a bat-oholic.

Why did the pirate get into gardening? He wanted to grow some booty.

Why couldn't the vampire get a girlfriend? He was always coffin up blood.

I asked my doctor for a prescription. He said, 'Take two aspirin and call me when you die.'

I told my wife she should be more eco-friendly. Now she's dating a tree hugger.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to prom? He had no body to dance with.

Why did the computer go to therapy? It had too many chips on its shoulder.

I told my wife she should trust me more with the finances. Now she's married to a bankruptcy.

Why couldn't the zombie get a date? He kept losing his head over it.

I told my wife she should be more open-minded. Now she's dating a yoga instructor.

I asked my therapist for advice on my dark humor. She said, 'I see dead people... laughing.'