I had a friend who was a mechanic, but he couldn't fix his own life.

I told my wife she should do some soul-searching. She hasn't come back yet.

Why did the scarecrow break up with the farmer? He was outstanding in his field, but she wanted someone a bit more straw-ng.

I once knew a musician who had perfect pitch. Unfortunately, it was a pitchfork.

Why did the ghost get lost in the fog? He didn't have a haunting license.

I told my wife she should put her foot down. Now she's a footstool.

I asked the devil for a loan. He said, 'Sure, just sign here in blood.'

I bought my wife a mood ring. It turned blue when she was calm, and when she was angry it made a big red mark on my forehead.

I told my wife she should stop shopping at the dollar store. Now she's a billionaire.

I tried to cheer up my wife with some balloons. But apparently, 'It's a boy' isn't what she wanted to hear.

I asked my doctor for a stress ball. He gave me an orphan to raise instead.

I told my wife she should loosen up. So she went and got a divorce.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing. Do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

I'm not a fan of the new bandage company. Their adhesive is terrible.

My wife is furious at our neighbor for sunbathing topless in the backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.

I told my therapist about my decision to start a band. She said I have too many issues.

I tried to make a joke about suicide, but it never hangs well.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other suicide hotline.

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? He felt he was devouring her time.

I told my wife she should embrace her inner demons. Now she won't stop haunting me.

Why was the cemetery so overcrowded? People were just dying to get in.