I asked the psychic if she could see my future. She said, 'Not with all these body bags in the way.'

I accidentally walked in on my grandma changing. She said, 'Don't worry dear, it's not the first time I've been caught in the act.'

I tried to convince my friend to join me on a diet. I said, 'We can be body goals.' He replied, 'More like body bag goals.'

I told my psychiatrist I keep having dark thoughts. She said, 'You should see the other side.'

I told my wife she should do push-ups to stay in shape. She told me to push off.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape. She told me to take a hike.

I used to play piano in a brothel, but they said I gave them the wrong kind of keys.

I told my wife she should do sit-ups. She couldn't find the remote after that.

I told my wife she should do more cardio, so she started charging me for emotional labor.

I told my wife she should practice yoga to stay balanced. She told me to get bent.

I asked the cannibal if he wanted a sandwich. He said, 'No thanks, I'm stuffed.'

I told my therapist I was hearing voices. He told me I don't have a therapist.

I told my wife she should be more trusting. She didn't believe me.

My girlfriend accused me of being a transphobe. I'm not, I love playing with my Transformer toys.

I have a fear of German sausages. Yes, I have wurst nightmares.

I told my therapist I had amnesia. He says, 'The bad news is you don't remember who you are. The good news is you're a terrific piano player.'

I asked the God of Thunder if he was feeling okay. He said he was a little Thor.

I told my wife she should do squats to stay in shape. She disappeared. She must have gone down in the dumps.

What's the best way to start a parade in Ethiopia? Roll a doughnut down the street.

Why did the farmer secretly bury all his money? He wanted cold hard cash.

What did the skeleton say before eating his meal? Bone appétit!