I thought about becoming a baker, but I didn't have the dough. Now I'm just kneading some space.

I told my therapist I had a fear of giants. He told me to take a little step stool and get over it.

I saw a sign that said 'Cemetery ahead, slow down.' It's like they know I'm dying to get there.

I accidentally inhaled some food coloring. Now I feel like a walking tie-dye shirt.

I asked my doctor why my handwriting was so bad. He said it's because my penmanship is terminal.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made a BBQ joke. Now I'm considering haunting her for eternity.

I asked my family to bury me with my smartphone so I can still look down on them from the cloud.

I saw a bumper sticker that said 'Life is short. Drive fast.' So I did. Appropriately, now life is even shorter.

I invited my boss to my Halloween party. He said he couldn't make it, he's already busy haunting my dreams.

I can always count on my fridge to be cold. It's so reliable, almost like a serial killer.

I tried to donate my body to science, but they said they had enough clowns already.

I heard the most morbid knock-knock joke the other day. I said 'Who's there?' and the voice whispered 'Death.'

I made a deal with the devil for unlimited wealth. Turns out, he meant in Monopoly money.

I asked the doctor if I would live a long life. He said, 'I doubt it, mercury is in retrograde.'

I finally told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I told my wife we should start a band called 'Duvet'. She said, 'That idea will cover a lot of ground.'

I told my wife she should sell her violin to make some money. She said, 'That makes no sense, we're not in the string business.'

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a burial plot.

I told my friend he should count his blessings. He came back with 29.

Why was the morgue always a mess? They never could find anything.

I told my son he could be anything he wanted when he grew up. He chose to be a ghost writer.