I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me and said, 'You too.'

I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it's too cheesy.

What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries!

I used to be a baker, but my business was half-baked.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Did you hear about the math book that's sad? It has too many problems.

Why did the rapper carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.

Have you heard about that restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

Did you hear about the math teacher who was constipated? He worked it out with a pencil.

What's a pirate's favorite letter? Arrr!

Why did the pillow go to the doctor? It was feeling a little down.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.