I told my wife she should do sit-ups to tone her abs. She said, 'Sure, got any suggestions for flabs?'

I told my wife she should do more yoga to relax. She asked me how that would help her racecar-driving skills.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the hitman.

I asked my doctor if he could cure my fear of cemeteries. He said, 'Sorry, you'll have to deal with it underground.'

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up pants in a 'no fly' zone.

Why don't computers trust humans? They byte.

Why did the leopard wear a striped suit? He didn't want to be spotted.

I asked the butcher if he could recommend some good meat. He said, 'I don't want to steak my reputation on it.'

Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry.

I asked the fireman if he could help me with my fear of fire. He said, 'I can't extinguish all your problems.'

Why don't zombies play soccer? They're afraid of getting a red card.

Why don't skeletons fight each other in the military? They can't stand at attention.

I asked the bartender for a dark beer. He said, 'Sorry, we only have light - like your future.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She was getting cold feet.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a dark joke. She said, 'I already did when I married you.'

Why don't vampires argue in public? They don't want to make a scene.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, 'Sure, here's your termination letter.'

Why did the bread break up with the butter? It was tired of getting spread too thin.

I asked my wife if she wanted dessert. She said, 'No thanks, I've already had a slice of your life.'

Why don't ghosts play hide and seek? They're always invisible.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She wanted more brains in the relationship.