I asked my therapist if I have multiple personalities. He said, 'I'm not sure, let me ask.'

Why did the werewolf break up with his girlfriend? She said he was too hairy.

I asked my plumber if he had any experience with leaks. He said, 'I've been married three times.'

I told my therapist I have a fear of intimacy. He said, 'That's a very personal problem.'

I told my wife she should be more adventurous. She filed for divorce.

I asked the devil for a favor. He said, 'You first.'

Why did the ghost go inside the bar? For the boos.

I told my wife she should be more positive. She said, 'Sure, like HIV.'

I told my psychiatrist that I had a suicidal clone. He said, 'Good, at least you're not alone.'

I told my wife she should embrace her flaws. She hugged me tight and said, 'Like you.'

I asked the Grim Reaper for dating advice. He said, 'You should try reaping what you sow.'

Why did the vampire get hired as a psychiatrist? He had great sucking skills.

I asked my doctor for some space. He charged me for intergalactic travel.

I told my wife she should try stand-up comedy. She's been standing up to me for years.

Why did the zombie apply for a job at the bakery? He heard they knead fresh brains.

I told my wife she should be more flexible. She did a 360 and left me.

Why is it so hard for drug addicts to find love? They're always chasing the high.

I love taking walks in the cemetery at night. It really helps me decompose.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? She kept telling him he needed to be more transparent.

Why don't vampires have many friends? They're a pain in the neck.

I've been dieting for weeks, but I still can't seem to lose any weight. Guess I'll just have to cut off my limbs and weigh less.