I told my wife she should tidy up her bedside table. She told me it's a dying table and doesn't have long to live.

I failed my mathematics exam, but I'm positive I'll do better next time.

Why do graveyards have a fence around them? Because people are dying to get in.

I bought my friend a coffin for his birthday. I guess you could say it was a dead gift.

When I told my wife I just saw a ghost, she asked for a divorce. Apparently, she's the one.

I lost my job at the bank after losing interest.

Why did the witch break up with her warlock boyfriend? He kept putting hexes on her.

Why was the belt locked up? It held up a pair of pants during a robbery.

Why was the bicycle embarrassed? It couldn't handle the pressure.

Why do serial killers love camping? It's in-tents.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's worse than getting a worm in your apple? Getting the Holocaust.

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her b-shells.

What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic.

Why did the orphan go to school early? To eat the leftover meals from parent-teacher conferences.

Why did the little girl drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus.

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 20 years straight.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Art.

What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to organize his funeral? You can't plan ahead, you have a terminal illness.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? Crib death.

Why did the baker's hands smell? He kneaded a poo.