Why don't pedophiles ever win races? Because they like to come in a little behind.

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Nobody's ever paid to have a lentil on them.

I tried to bake a cake with no hands, but it was a piece of cake.

I saw a sign that said 'free gift inside.' Turns out it was just my reflection in the window.

I used to dislike facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I was going to tell a joke about Russian dolls, but it's just so full of itself.

I asked the doctor to check my pulse, but he just stared at me blankly. I guess my dark humor isn't beating anymore.

I tried to start a cult, but I couldn't get a following. It must be a sectret.

I told my wife she should embrace her flaws. She said, 'but I'm already married to you.'

I asked the devil for a favor, but he told me to go to hell.

I saw a man sitting on the edge of a cliff, so I asked him what's wrong. He told me he just needed a little pick-me-up.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he always stood up for what he believed in.

Why did the zombie break up with his girlfriend? She was always trying to eat his heart out.

Why don't ghosts like to go out in the wind? They're afraid of getting blown away.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She was too thirsty for attention.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful doctor? He always knew how to stitch things back together.

I asked my wife if she wanted to hear a joke about light bulbs. She said it was too bright for her liking.

Why did the zombie go to therapy? He needed help rekindling his social life.

Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? She was sucking the life out of their relationship.

Why did the ghost break up with his girlfriend? She was always trying to ghost him.

Why did the scarecrow go to therapy? He needed help dealing with his straw-motional issues.